White, Anglo-Saxon, Protestant Pansexual Male WLTM Canadian to shack up with me and sponsor me so I can get my visa faster. Clean. Tidy. Vegan. Uncut. D&D-free. No money left, but have good SOH.
I can’t even get a visa let alone vote, but I’m still excited for Canada’s 40th federal election that’s already upon us. 40th! Wow. It doesn’t sound like many, but you have to consider that it feels like they’ve had about twenty of those things in the last few years alone. Heck, Canadians really love elections, eh? It’s probably because they get to show off to their drunken, rowdy next-door neighbors that they can actually do one properly – y’know, the kind where the one who actually wins ends up in power.
The Canadians recently participated in a much-publicized Greatest Canadian vote via CBC. They chose as the Greatest Canadian of all-time none other than Tommy Douglas, the “Father of Medicare” and staunch socialist who spearheaded the New Democratic Party. 1.2 million votes were cast. This is a staggering amount, considering that – as the rest of the world will tell you – the majority of the remaining population probably live in mountain shacks or something, surrounded by snow with no access to media. So, with all that in mind, you’d think it’s a given that Canadians today would put the NDP into power by a landslide.
Across the border, in the United States, they like to show off their “democracy” by offering two Presidential candidates to choose from. That’s right: two – hey, it’s one more than Cuba! Two.
You’d think it was the same in Canada, though, because it’s Liberal/Tory, Same Old Story, even though there are several parties to choose from – from such characters as the Christian Heritage Party, to the Animal Alliance Environment Voters Party, to the Bloc Quebecois, to the Marijuana Party (wow, that sounds like a real party to me!) Sadly, though, when the Conservatives mess up, the people put the Liberals in power; then, the Liberals get caught doing dirty tricks, so they put the Conservatives in for a while – and then the Tories start wrecking the country.
Personally, given the nature of the House of Commons in Canada, and the popular sport of ice hockey, if they’re going to play with two parties only, I don’t know why they don’t just put them both into teams, on the ice, and have them smack the crap out of each other; the winning team becomes the government! Why not? They might as well, if you think about it.
So, why aren’t the Canadians practicing what they preach? Have they perhaps forgotten that the NDP is Tommy Douglas’s party, thanks to a media that shortens their memories as well as their attention spans? In fact, that may be part of the reason too: the NDP don’t get much coverage in the press! It makes sense, really, considering the media is for the most part owned by the same gang that needs capitalism – not socialism – perpetuated. And only the Liberal/Tory, Same Old Story will do just that.
With the NDP, you have a party that’s all for protecting human beings in the workplace through strong trade unions, in favor of ecosocialist alternatives for the environment, against having Canadian troops doing Anglo-American bidding in the Middle East, totally for the rights of First Nations people, and wants to stop the bloodletting of industry all the way down to Mexico through the North American Free Trade Agreement. All Canadian values, we’re told. Right? Maybe, but the Canadians aren’t voting for them – in fact many of them, when they’re not voting for one of the two hockey teams there, are voting for the Green Party, that bunch of wishy-washy middle class ethical consumers and capitalists who don’t care whether you’ve got a good job or not, as long as you’re buying the more expensive and “environmentally-friendly” light-bulbs. And they’re not likely to even win a single seat in the Commons, so, Green-voters, “Green” might sound nice and politically correct, but a vote for them from you and your mates will only increase the chance of a Conservative majority, giving the Tories the green light – no pun intended – to show their own true colors. Scary thought, eh?
So, with all this confusion – this blindness to the only party that actually has any interest in Canadian values at all – we’re left back with Liberal/Tory, Same Old Story. But that’s a game far more dangerous than hockey, my seal-clubbing friends, because if the Tories get their majority, that’ll be their permission to complete their campaign to wreck the entire country.
Remember the good old days, you Canucks? It wasn’t so long ago when you had Bush steal another election across the border, and you all had to deal with all these bloody apologetic Americans showing up on your doorstep all looking like some sorry bastard who just left their partner and needed somewhere to stay for a while. Heck, how do you think you got Naomi Klein? Her folks even made that move back in the day, back when Tommy Douglas was leading the NDP. Well, that’s all over now, if you vote the wrong way. Because now, if Barack Obama can somehow steal back the votes for his party, and becomes President of the United States while Prime Minister Stephen Harper enjoys a majority in Canada, you will all become the ones looking for somewhere to stay, and you’ll be hoping the Americans finally return the favor. Because you can forget about everything you hold dear.
Yep, if Mr Roboto gets full control, he’s going to start rampaging across the country, province to province, and wrecking it – you know, kind of like that evil robot from RoboCop 2. Maybe that mass majority who didn’t vote in CBC’s Greatest Canadian poll – being stuck in their log cabins, and all – will play a part in it. But, when you’re dealing with a party that makes it harder for refugees to come into the country, wants to send their troops overseas to get killed for no clear reason, thinks it’s against God for people to marry if they happen to be of the same gender, cuts $45 million from the arts, pulls from the Kyoto treaty, tries to bribe people, and cut-and-paste speeches from Mike Harris and even the Prime Minister of Australia (yep, you read it right), you can’t afford to be as ignorant.
A vote for the Tories is like following the ignorant voters not into log cabins, but instead, an outhouse, which is what might as well replace the voting booth for all those intending to vote Conservative. Because instead of marking a voting card for the Tories, you might as well drop your britches, squat, and take a nice, big fat shit all over the Maple Leaf flag – as well as the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms. That’s what a Conservative vote is: bye, bye, Canada – and all the values that your Greatest Canadian had.
I already showed Canadians what happens when you vote the wrong way – by showing them Blair’s Britain in my film Escape from Doncatraz. And they loved it, giving it a standing ovation in their hundreds. I was blown away – they totally got it! What happened there, though, could happen to Canada, too. The Tories are just waiting to do it.
So, what will it be? A wise decision in the voting booth as you do your dirty yet dutiful business? Or a trip to the outhouse? Because if it’s the latter, and you thought the United States was shaped like a giant toilet, you’ll be surprised to find that, suddenly, it’s your country that’s full of shit.
It’s up to you.